Ramblin' & Amblin' (2026-10-18): The advantages of being somebody who struggled a
Ramblin' & Amblin' Field Notes with Mike Hall (Staff Software Engineer) Recorded on the move: engineering observations, systems architecture, and software craftsmanship reflections.
The Interviewer
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
The advantages of being somebody who struggled a bit in the
structured school system growing up, but had an operational
brain as I've been told many times. I'm one of the ones
that seems switched on, but still being aware that like
talking with people who had a more structured education. Where they went through a gradiated system where they
clearly moved from one level to another and there was a
clear success criteria that could rank against your
relative position in a structure and feel like you have a
complete corpus body of everything you need to know. About a domain, about a set of skills where I'm more of a,
I don't know, I'll figure it out.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
I'm surrounded by things
I don't understand constantly, but I have a pretty good
imagination. And enough of curiosity to have an idea of how little I
know, but I'm operating nonetheless. It still feels sometimes talking with people who have
degrees or what I think are more rigorous training, being a
little bit more hesitant or just doubting myself. And that ultimately is where the imposter syndrome really,
really got me.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
And even like calling it that itself is a, um,
Oh, I'm going to take a moment here. Hi, good morning. So just let them pass, but, uh, um, not a, uh, not being
from so much of a structure or feeling like there's always
an incomplete board. Like imagine, uh, you, um, you've been, uh, uh, let's say
doing cross stitching.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
All right. And you know, all the, uh, you've been taught the, uh, you
know, the eight cardinal stitches. I don't know. I'm making stuff up right now.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
Um, and, uh, you know, you've, you've been through all the,
uh, the mechanics and theory and, and everything that's, um
, um, is required for cross, excuse me, but then, you know,
you're done with that training and, you know, sure. You know, all of the, the tools, tips, and techniques, and
you've demonstrated efficiency in that structured
environment is the thing that I've, I've learned sometimes
doesn't always translate as well as people would like it
believe. Whereas if you're somebody who just found a needle and a
thread and then really just like this whole, you know,
maybe saw, uh, somebody who had done a cross stitch and you
're like,
I'm going to figure that out. Um, and then, and you sit down and do it, but then there's
always a wonder is like, well, you know, the, the people
who went through all the training for cross stitch, they,
you know, see what they can do things like dance.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
But then again, there's sort of things that just create
curiosity, enable you to work in a structured environment
where there's more ambiguity. And, uh, uncertainty, you have to be able to be adaptive
and work outside of, uh, um, support structure. You know, that's, to me, that's been the trade-offs that I
've observed, um, is where sometimes folks who've been
through the more structured program will proceed more
confidently, uh, because they've shown a proficiency in, in
, uh, a certain, uh, skills. That doesn't always translate to success because they, they
index a little bit too much on, uh, I know how to do this
stitch and that stitch.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
It's not, I want to, I want to, I want to cool the warrior
of a cat playing a banjo, you know, um, uh, intelligent,
capable, solving that problem. But they're more tend to be, again, it's not an
intelligence, it's not one's better than the other, but
they tend to be more used to, trained for, operative in a
structured environment. Um, environment where if everything is, uh, largely well
understood, they can operate and they can move and they can
build and they can, they can do things, um, well. Um, but then, uh, then, uh, sometimes they struggle a bit
and, um, it's, it's the balance, you know, you want to have
status quo, you want to have everything nice and neat all
the time.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
Um, so leadership, I think sometimes over-indexes on those
types of, uh, folks too, thinking that it's gonna, if I get
people that are good at staying in a structure, that the
structure is gonna stay nice and stable. The problem is, is that there's no such thing as a
perfectly stable structure, all structures are, uh, are,
are prone to failure, given a certain, uh, set of
conditions that are outside of normal operating parameters,
and you need somebody who's able to be able to prepare for
and, um, respond to those kinds of situations. Uh, scenarios and thinking, uh, you know, that outside the
box thinking, they say, um, so yeah, that, um, you know,
one of the downsides, though, of, of that outside the box
thinking or being self-taught, I don't want to call myself
an autodidact, because I think that's a bit more than what
I actually am. Um, I'm just, uh, the generalist, uh, person who's curious
and I can tinker with a lot of different things, but also,
um, I've done a lot of different things over my life.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
And also, um, I'm aware of what I haven't done, and, and
the real scope and, and, and value of whatever little
experiences I had in other domains. Um, but, uh, yeah, a sense of awareness of your limits, um,
can also be, uh, over anxiety, um, just not knowing, you
know, what is it that I'm missing? What is it that I'm not thinking about or seeing, and then
seeing, uh, organizations, you know, reasonably so, again,
this is, it's, it's indifferent, it just is, uh, over index
ing, I think, on, on some of these people that fill that
status quo. Um, and it's got its own dangers, because then when things
get shaky, they don't have flexibility built in.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
But that's, you know, that's just an observation, and, and
part of what feeds into that, sometimes anxiety, and then
about, you know, what we call imposter syndrome. You know, you know, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not as trained as
these people, I'm not as skilled as these people, I'm not
as, um, you know, well regarded. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not as, um, I
respect them, therefore I must be lesser than, and, uh, you
know, I think a lot of that comes from my own personal
childhood and stuff like that. But, uh, yeah, I just look at, it's, much like with ADHD,
trying to reason with this as, I, I freaking hate calling
it a superpower, but it's, it is, what this whole diversity
thing is, uh, is about, is, I think some people over index
on,
talking about superficial differences, but not enough
talking about the real lived experiences between different
communities and different generations, genders, and all of,
all of, all of that.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
Um, you know, it's a diversity of thought and experience
and way of thinking. And again, that's, I think, why blindsight, um, appealed to
me so much, because that's kind of the entire theme of it. It's almost like, kind of, in action. Um, yeah, that's, uh, that, uh, Siri always questioned
whether or not he was human.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
He always felt like an imposter, you know, he felt like he
wasn't real, that he only had half a brain, literally. Um, in the, uh, spirit of rambling here, I'm going to just
keep rambling. I, uh, I, I wish I could say that the, the imposter
syndrome thing was new with technology. Um, it's, you know, what, yeah, I was told in high school
that I would never be a programmer because I struggled at
math,
that I mostly struggled with sitting in a, in a classroom
having to read a book and, and the explanations I was
getting
didn't make sense to me, and then I was always told I was
doing it wrong, even if I got the right answer.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
I didn't show my work. And, um, that if I, uh, didn't get good grades in whatever
it was, algebra two or, I mean, intro to algebra two. I mean, like, um, in sophomore year, um, uh, that I would
never get to be a programmer or work with technology. And it wasn't really said specifically to me, but more of,
like, a general response to an inquiry I had about careers
one day.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
Um, and the math teacher chimed in. I think she was, I don't know, I don't want to attribute
anything. I don't remember her being anything but grumpy. But, um, let's see if we can do this.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
All right, one leg over, another leg over. But, um, again, you know, struggles with the, uh, school
system. And I wonder, like, how many, you know, I have to take a
step back here. It's like, I don't want this to be just a only me thing.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
I want to, um, to share the story because I do think other
folks, maybe of a similar generation,
um, approximately, um, might have had similar shared
experiences that were shaped a bit like this. What I'm describing and that's, um,
this last ten years for me really have been, um,
about overcoming that. And that's why I'm here with these, these, these, these
recordings. I talk and I talk and I talk because I am trying to get
past
whatever it is
that held me back
let's say 15, more like 15 years ago.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
And, um,
that, um,
if I'm ever going to do
this utastic rewatch
and ever have
the serious conversation that I want to have
with people
and turn this into something
that is at least
is an interesting story
and, um,
maybe something
that in time,
um,
will lay some kind of
connective tissue
for
understanding
this era. And
for
a guy
whose mom
lived in a tent
outside of, uh,
Peoria
or somewhere
in that area
and
her father
worked as a machinist
who contributed
to
the,
um,
eternal flame. He contributed a mechanism
to the eternal flame
that helped
with maintaining
the fuel
flow
at high wind
velocities
and
there was a
treasured letter
in my mom's
uh,
archive
um,
and,
and a father
who
was literally
in a,
um,
born in a farmhouse
and then
he was
preemie
so he was
put in a
uh,
shoebox
and put into
an incubator
for chicks
so he would
stay warm. The stories
I was told
I obviously
was not there
but I have seen
the pictures
of my mom
in the tent
uh,
there's a little girl
and,
uh,
that these,
these houses
were,
I mean,
these,
these,
these homes
were,
I mean,
these,
these living
arrangements
were a thing
uh,
back in the,
uh,
in the 40s
in the Midwest.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
um,
it was,
uh,
it was hard
scrabble life. Do not come
from money. um,
but I'm
trying to
work in a space
that
was,
um,
aspirational
for me
and that,
uh,
uh,
was a huge
risk in,
in ways that
are hard to
articulate just
in this moment
but that
these eugtastic
interviews
were my
awkward way
to engage
with people
the best
way I knew
how. And
now we're
sitting here
in what I think
is an arc
of history
and I have
to reason
with fact
regardless
how I feel
about myself
it doesn't
matter.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
I did
these interviews
I made
a commitment
to people
that I would
do this
and then I
didn't
I broke
and I
stopped doing
it
and because
uh,
I didn't
I couldn't
accept it
and
whenever
I ran
into those
technical issues
what first
was hitting
the volume
of data
limitations
in my
hardware
limitation
in my
own
time
and
ability
to focus
young
family
working
at a
startup
I'm
I've got
two jobs
I'm working
on multiple
projects
and all
the while
I feel
like an
absolute
failure
because
I'm not
I'm doing
so many
things
I'm not
even
burning a
candle at
full dents
I've just
thrown it
in the
fire
and
it wasn't
good
and all the
while I'm
thinking I'm
a fraud
I'm a fake
they're all
gonna realize
that I'm
not really
doing this
but I
am
I am
doing
this
I'm
freaking
doing
this
and
it's
pretty
cool
but then
I
soon as I
had an
out
where I
didn't have
to
I could
say
oh I
gotta work
on the
startup
I
can't
I
gotta
prioritize
the
startup
and that
ended up
to be a
bust
you know
whatever
and then
it was
just
you lose
momentum
lose your
nerve
and
have a
few
setbacks
hear a
few
negative
comments
start to
turn yourself
into a
spiral
of
shame
starting
another
related
project
in that
same
space
and then
people are
responding
to it
and it's
like
actually
like
picking up
traction
a little
bit
in the
beginning
and then
getting
scared
and then
not knowing
how to
let people
in to
help
because you've
been taught
to do
everything
yourself
because it's
the only way
you can
operate
for the
longest
time
and
then
threw
it all
away
you know
I lost
the
track
of the
domain
I got
it
I got
utastic.com
recovered
and I
also want
to thank
DNS
simple
for helping
me out
with a
financial
pinch
and an
unexpected
charge
and
everything
fine
they were
more than
gracious
and helpful
in helping
me get
that back
or not
lose it
I should
say
and
then I
wonder how
many other
people have
done this
to themselves
too
because I've
learned that
if it's
just me
it's never
just me
there's
other
people
I mean
yeah
this
this forest
would have
been here
humans or
not but
somebody had
to mow
the lawn
somebody had
put fuel
in the
lawnmower
somebody had
to assemble
the blades
somebody had
to ship
you know
and somebody
had to feed
the person
who rode
you know
like
it goes on
and on
and on
into a
fractal
of
connections
but
I know
that if
I don't
do this
I will
regret it
and
I'm
trying to
steal
myself
in a way
you know
accept
just how
bad these
videos are
but also
what I'm
seeing
from the
pipeline
I'm building
out
and what
I've been
able to
build out
with the
templates
I'm going
to stop
here
at this
point
I'm going
to leave
this one
as a
conversation
about
imposter
syndrome
and
that it
is possible
to
go
through
a
process
I'm
in
that
process
right
now
I'm
committed
I'm
saying this
out in
public
I'm
moving
forward
on
these
Euketastic
rewatches
and
more to
come
as I
figure it
out
I have
to give
myself
time
because
just
like
I
started
Euketastic
it
took
a while
for it
to become
what it
was
I was
figuring
things
out
sometimes
it was
corny
but it
was also
very much
a product
of the
time
that I
was
making
it
I
was
pretty
well
tuned
in
so
like
if
you're
looking
at
the
look
and
feel
of
something
you
know
you
can
compare
that
to
something
contemporary
and
execution
you
know
because
I
was
figuring
it
out
but
I
did
figure
it
out
and
it's
real
and
it's
out
there
and
it's
been
out
there
for
one
and a
half
decades
and
almost
two
decades
and
that
I
know
who
these
people
are
and
I
see
the
conversations
that
are
happening
and
now
I
can't
just
deny
that
those
conversations
meant
something
beyond
just
some
nerdy
weirdo
who
just
is
got
you
sitting
down
and
asking
you
what
you
just
talked
about
but
I
really
did
do
that
I
am
not
an
imposter
I
know
my
limits
but
this
is
within
them
so
anyway
alright
thanks
bye