Ramblin' & Amblin' (2026-10-18): Back to talking about the first couple videos
Ramblin' & Amblin' Field Notes with Mike Hall (Staff Software Engineer) Recorded on the move: engineering observations, systems architecture, and software craftsmanship reflections.
The Interviewer
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
Back to talking about the first couple videos where I was
like I felt like a kettle releasing steam and this is one
of those things that I feel like is related to the ADHD and
not saying autism but autistic trauma. You know which is whatever it is is you know building that
model and then you know couple that with a kind of a
authoritarian youth and I'll wait here for a minute. I'm going to pass. I'm not recording you.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
I'm just monolog
uing. Alright there we go. Is that trying to serialize a lot of pretext context about
a situation before even being able to talk about the thing
that we're there to talk about. It's like I've got to transmit this total map of the system
that I've built up over the last couple years through the
work I've done with mapping the system and the thing I call
panoramic view.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
Is that all this context was kind of like pushing out of me
and I was so used to having either just a few minutes to
convey information and then usually when I'm working more
laterally or at least even working solo. I wouldn't have to dump as much context or I'd make
assumptions that everybody else knew what I was talking
about. I know that we come across as incredibly intense and that's
one of the things that I've struggled with the most I think
it's not even the context it's the intensity. You know I would be like because of that pressure it would
be like I have to save all of this stuff so nightmare time
and also I get on the call and my first thought is not what
did you do this weekend.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
I think we're I'm thinking we're both there just to do the
job and one and maybe at the end when once everything is
done. We'll feel it breathe a sigh of relief and then then have a
conversation. But it was always task first for me and that not
recognizing that it wasn't that way and that it isn't that
they're stupid or lazy. It's that they sometimes they need a little bit of more
emotional comfort because they feel like they're going to
be vulnerable.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
And so building up a little bit of social cohesion and
trust is important for good collaboration whereas I was but
vulnerability wasn't a concern for me. It wasn't even like it wasn't even like on my mind at all. I knew what I was doing and and I just operated from that
principle which for some people would be intimidating. And not because they're not smart, not because they're not
capable, not because I'm better or any of that just that I
had a different approach.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
And call that sense of mind, neuro, well what would it be,
divergent, non-vergent, neurotypical. Oh yeah, typical, typical. And if what's typical is not what I'm doing, it's divergent
, so neurodivergent. And accepting that and that I came to the meetings with it
and to these things and that's ultimately again what it
takes for me to like break through and why those first few
videos were so intense.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
And just me just kind of sweating, I'm on the sun, I'm just
like, I'm not having a manic episode. But I am saying, Mike, either you get up and you do this or
you're not. So I am forcing myself to do it. And it is awkward.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
It is painful. I, I, like, I, like, I think I, I, I solace myself though
by knowing it's part of the process because I've been
through building up things and getting people to follow me. Even though I struggle with even believing I'm part of the
group, much less somebody who's a leader. Uh, and that's caused dysfunction for me as well in places
where I was being recognized, but I couldn't deal with it
because it was too much for me to accept.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
So I'm processing that in kind of real time here, um,
through this exercise while I'm going through this period
where I am in a lot of stress. And the only thing that's really helping me right now is
just radical acceptance. It's, it's never going to be what I want it to be. It's never going to be a better time than now.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
And it's truly, I can't deny it. Um, we're in a world right now where the absolute worst
people are the most successful ones. And I'm beating myself up because I had a tuba waltz on, on
a, on a video I did, uh, you know, with the interview, you
know, 15 years ago, I was vulnerable then. And I'm still here.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
I'm going to be vulnerable again. And I will persist. But I have to accept like that solace I was referring to is
that some artists, uh, YouTubers would say about, if you're
not embarrassed by your early work, then you know, you
really didn't put yourself out there. I'm embracing that I'm allowing myself to go through this
and know that it's part of the whole story of what I'm
trying to do here is that there's a recovery of knowledge
and there's a recovery of identity and it's acceptance of
the situation as it is.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
And then figuring out what it means on the ground and what
it's going to take to move forward, not isolated, not alone
, not, not knowing yet really how much energy it's going to
take and how much will I will actually have to engage, but
that we're all going to need to do that. And because who am I going to engage with? So I, that's the very nature of this, this, seeing this as
a selfish thing is to miss the point of this being, I'm in
the park and it's as beautiful as it is because somebody
else cares about it. We don't necessarily see each other or ever encounter each
other, but I play a part in walking the trail and paying
for the taxes and supporting, just saying Veterans Acres,
uh, Veterans Acres, um, is beautiful in Crystal Lake.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
I exist in Crystal Lake. I exist in this. I don't have to be in charge of this. I can merely exist in this and be at peace with that.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
Should greater action be required, you know, I will be
listening, but I will be paying attention for it, but I don
't need to necessarily involve myself in everything and be
okay with that. And that's, um, me sharing this story is my way of pushing
out, reopening something that was thought to be lost. And I think there was a parody and a parallel there with
what I saw happening in the community. And I don't think I was isolated in seeing this because it
wasn't just me that withdrew, a lot of people withdrew.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
And, and the ground changed, um, in Chicago and in the
community. And I know some of the people that were part of that. And I know that some of our relationships were complicated
and it was me. A lot of times it was me, or at least I was like, listen,
you know, and I know, and that's like, but I, I, I, I like
to believe that everybody knows.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
I'm a pretty good guy. And, um, I, uh, I stand by my word and, um, I'm reliable
and ethical and that, uh, I always bias towards the truth. Even if sometimes I'm wrong or I'm a jerk about it, or I
just have an emotional breakdown because I'm just scrambled
eggs in, in, in, in that moment. Um, it was just too much.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
Um, so, you know, sometimes the dysfunction was me and, and
, you know, and, and sometimes it's worse than others. I, but right now we've got some of the very worst people in
charge of this world. I got to get over myself here a little bit and, uh,
recognize that I didn't make connections with people, but
then I hid and I withdrew and that didn't give me anything
good. Um, the good that I have is the thing that I have.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
And that is the evidence of these recordings and knowledge
about what these people were doing and was paying attention
to it. So I have a chance to revisit it as the entire industry is
facing an identity crisis, whether it's in sarcastic self-
protection just or, or not. I feel it. Um, yay.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
Um, and just tell a story because, um, it really happened. Um, it really happened and there was really some smart
people doing some cool stuff and just the narrowing nature
of time narrows focus and narrative to something, something
simpler. Um, something that can be, um, more easily, um, categorized
and, um, filed away, but, um, yeah, it's never that simple. Yep.
Mike Hall
Host, ramblin-amblin
▶ Speaking
All right. Thanks. Bye.